
Sexism and Sensibility: Raising Empowered, Resilient Girls in the Modern World
by Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD
“In a paper for my developmental psychology class, I mentioned how I was often accused in my family of being too sensitive and dramatic, rather than being acknowledged, as I see it now, as highly attuned to my environment. The professor scribbled in the margin, ‘That’s what people say to talk girls out of their feelings!’” (x-xi)
There’s so much of value in Sexism and Sensibility that I want to bring it to your attention. As Finkelstein says, we are in a period when equal pay protections are being hollowed out; legislatures in many states working to outlaw contraception; states are proposing ‘don’t say gay’ bills that ban teachers and administrators from supporting those students’ needs in the schools, and so more more.
We want to raise boys who treat girls with dignity and are intolerant of sexism, so helpful ideas about raising boys are included.
“This book isn’t about casting girls and women as victims or boys and men as villains. It’s about preventing girls from internalizing the limiting and distorting messages of our culture, and from privileging others’ feelings, perceptions, and comfort over their own. My aim is also to help us figure out what part we play as adults in both clarifying and muddying the waters for our daughters as to what’s fair and how they should expect to be treated.” (xv)
Part One: Adults Colluding with the Larger Culture
The book is broken into four parts. Part One shows how adults set the stage for gender, bias, and sexism to flourish in girls’ lives by colluding with the larger culture. We have implicit biases. We learned a narrow script when we were young and we’re still on it.
For as long as I can remember, I was told girls can be anything boys can be. I’ve never heard, however, the phrase ‘boys can be anything girls can be.’ Entire books aren’t devoted to fostering positive female qualities in boys. We must help boys see that sexism imposes limits on how they think and feel and on what they can be when they grow up. For these things to register as loss, however, we have to actually believe relational qualities like caring, connection, and cooperation are worth having, that they’re aspirational for boys, not emasculating. But that requires doing something we don’t as a culture do: value the behaviors and norms of girls and women. We can help by reading books to boys that feature girls or emotionally complex boys and be careful to avoid attaching gender to interest and abilities when we speak.” (24-25)
Even for couples who largely divide along traditional gender lines, if you’re modeling genuine respect for each other’s contributions, you can model equality. It’s essential to value each parent’s work, regardless of what that work is and what it pays (or doesn’t pay).” (17)
Part Two: Cultural Forces and the Beauty Culture
Part Two looks at major cultural forces that create and intensify sexism, and those include the beauty culture in the media.
“Perhaps the greatest resource exploited by a beauty obsessed culture is our mind. Girls who self-objectify have more difficulty with cognitive tasks. Research shows self-objectification usurps our cognitive resources, making it difficult to get into the flow states necessary for performance and achievement.” (87)
Part Three: Potential
Part Three examines common experiences in girls’ lives that teach them that they’re less deserving, that they’re less intelligent, and they’re less powerful than boys, and this, of course, keeps them from fulfilling their potential.
“Virtually every girl and woman I see in therapy feels as if they got away with something when they experience success. They bring up the term ‘imposter syndrome’ and say, ‘that’s me exactly.’” (100)
Part Four: Body Autonomy and Sexual Agency
Part Four focuses on sex and sexuality and discusses how to set girls up for body autonomy and sexual agency. I think this is the part that might disturb the censors who don’t like high school students to talk about adult topics. Please remember: teens this age—14 to 18 years old—are thinking exactly of this sort of thing and entering this sphere in their life. Forewarned is forearmed. It’s good to have an idea of how to conduct that next phase.
“We tread a difficult line between preparing our daughters for the world and instilling fear. We don’t want to unfairly color the way they see the world, but not knowing what to expect could be worse. It’s vital they trust their instincts, whether that curdled feeling in their stomach comes from a teacher‘s snide comment in class or from being approached by a carful of teenage boys. They need to know what to do when they feel their heart racing, but their feet are glued to the pavement. It’s our job to teach them to navigate bodily autonomy in a world where their bodies often don’t feel like their own and aren’t safe, to stand their ground when they need to, and to move on with grace and without guilt when they can’t.” (xi-xii)
Sexism and Sensibility has personal elements: both stories from the author‘s early life and stories as she navigates raising both a girl and a boy, trying to make sure that they have a healthy attitude towards sexuality. The book shows how difficult this is because sometimes we don’t know what to do when we know what’s healthiest for our kids, but we also know that they might be slammed in the outside culture at school and work if they don’t meet a certain cultural stereotype. Should your 10-year-old be shaving her legs? No? What if the kids at school are calling her “gorilla” because she has lots of black hair on her legs and she is being ostracized? Should your 12-year-old be wearing make up? In the dating app age, should older teens be allowed to post ‘bombshell’ photos of themselves—skinny, long hair, false eyelashes, revealing clothing? How much more are girls today pressured to look homogenous? How much of their self-esteem relies on ‘likes’? Tweens and teens who are still trying to form their identities are being scooped up by the beauty industry, which advertises to them at a younger and younger age, to see themselves as consumers and sex objects. The industry may no longer directly say that girls are flawed. However, when it uses a language of wellness and self empowerment, that’s actually what it’s doing.
A patriarchal system doesn’t have girls’ and women’s best interest in mind. Navigating such a system has always been hard. In an online world it’s even harder. Finkelstein gives lots of good examples for action. And that’s what I love about this book. Actionable items are what we all need right now.
As usual, another thing I love about a good non-fiction book is a solid index. Here I was able to look back at things I was interested in like “agency,” “consent,” and “media” to remind me of what most affects girls’ images of themselves. There’s also a solid notes section with links to many studies.
Recommended for all parents and for high school libraries.

















